Moonchild (Ms.Morrison if you're nasty)

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 17:52:33 GMT

In regard to my last post, after a conversation with one of you dear friends, I decided that I was overreacting. I'm always so afraid of the possibility of repeating the Voldemort debacle that I have not let myself trust my man. What has been happening is NOT a case of same situation, different girl. He has a friend. I need to stop seeing betrayal in every female he meets.

Anyway, to prove that I was indeed an idiot, Jason made me get all misty-eyed when he sent these two emails to me today:

"[Just a little msg] . . to tell you that I love you. (Which I do, ohh so much!)"

and

"If I had to do it all over again, I'd marry you again. Maybe we should have our long overdue handfasting?
Maybe we'll wait until we are Gards and let Eddie and Teresa do it . . . .
much love,
jason"

I wish California would hurry up and fall into the ocean.

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 19:02:57 GMT

I know he's lying to me, but should I call him on it?

more religiony crap

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 13:24:52 GMT

I actually posted this elsewhere, but I want it here too.

I've been mulling over this for a while, but it really hit me over Beltane. What am I, if I'm no longer a maiden, but not yet a mother? At our Beltane rite, I played the role of the Maiden for what had to have been the ninth or tenth time, and it didn't feel quite right. It was like wearing those jeans I've kept for years "just in case" I could ever fit back into them. As a married woman in her late twenties, am I really a maiden any more? And yet, I have never been pregnant, so how could I be a mother? So I still ponder, what am I?

I got this response from a Starwood friend, that I wanted to share as well:
Comment by Autumnquest on May 21, 2008 at 9:21pm
"I don't think these things are as cut and dry or black and white as we sometimes try to make them be. I think each of us is all 3 at times at all times of our lives. I know women who chronologically should be considered crones who are more maiden-like than women I know in their early 20s who appear to me very crone-like. Then there are times myself when I feel each of them coming through me depending on the day, my mood, the occasion, etc.

What exactly makes one any of these? I think they are states of being rather than a linear time-thing as they appear on the surface. Like most things i've experienced with godforms in paganism, things aren't as they appear on the surface completely and often are deeper.

I think you are most certainly still a maiden and probably in many ways a mother because of your teaching and mentoring with the college kids and being in such a large role in your local community. And possibly because of certain life experiences, you sometimes have some of the dark crone within you that brings you wisdom that comes through living life's difficult lessons.

I think this was a great post and really made me think about this for myself even as I prepare to turn 41, but don't feel the 41 of my perception from childhood. It certainly doesn't feel like I'm completely the crone though I know a piece of her resides within my soul. I often feel the mother come through me when I'm fulfilling what is apparently my role in this lifetime of befriending people who are troubled and helping them make sense of trials and tribulations of living and getting new perspective (damn I should get paid for this)...and then there are still many many times, especially since I shed my over 100lbs a couple ofyears back that I have reclaimed and felt the maiden move through me and cause me to frolick, dance, screw, make merry and take joy in the youthful feelings of life and even sometimes when I'm learning some new lesson.

Try not to pigeon-hole yourself too much into one particular role. life and reality are infinitely more fluid than we give them credit for within our limited human perspectives. "

This time, it isn't Jason!

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 13:19:24 GMT

I'm experiencing a recurrence of an old problem, and this time, it isn't Jason's fault. Really its a matter of my ego being improperly inflated, and now people are getting out the pins. Be prepared for me to sound very selfish and narcissistic (me? NO!).

Its about religion, and my role in ritual.   I thought I'd come to terms with Jason being the center of attention. I understand that he is far more charismatic than I, and expresses himself much better. I've never been good at words. You've read my journals, you know what I'm talking about.    So I generally understand why he's always the one asked to do shit. I just  come as a part of the package.   But what do I do when I'm written out?   Why do I feel so hurt by it?

In general when we do ritual, Jason is high priest, and I the high priestess (in as far as you can, being eclectic). Its been like that for years. It feels like the natural order.   I'm not saying that only the two of us can play that role, but if one of us is doing it, then it feels unbalanced for the other not to.    Really what it comes down to is that I'm fucking annoyed that when other people write ritual, they're perfectly fine having Jason still be the HP, while they're more than happy to take the HPS role unto themselves.   Its just one more instance of Ari not being at all important. There. I said it.

And to make matters even more clear to me, in an email conversation between a dear friend and guy who is seriously starting to resemble a mosquito by my ear, I get written out. She was speaking of an event in the planning stage, and she mentions both Jason and myself.  Mosquito man writes back, solely referring to Jason. No me. Because I don't exist.

What really bothers me is that I know I have it in me. I have felt the Goddess within me before, I have felt her speak with my lips, and see through my eyes.  Is that all in the past? Am I just fooling myself now?   If no one else sees it, then perhaps that is the case. Maybe I have been judged unworthy, and so fade back into the woodwork.

There are more thoughts swirling in my brain, but I have to get my ass to working. Less religion, more science.
Maybe that's my problem.

Why I'm Happy

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 17:56:53 GMT

I got this from Jason today:

"My phone briefly worked this morning around 10 am. I opened it up and there
was this picture of this beautiful woman on it. She had a huge smile on her
face, eyes like teacups full of coffee with cream, lips the color of roses,
and the prettiest red hair. I had to stop and think for a minute, and then
I realized that beautiful woman was my wife! MY WIFE. The bastards who
laughed at me in high school would be so envious now. I married a hottie.

My phone stopped working again after that one fleeting image, but at least
that one image warmed my heart on a cool April day."

Gonna splode

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 16:36:16 GMT

I can barely contain all the emotions roiling in me right now. On the foremost would be fear and disappointment. Then I suppose anger and pity. I guess I always figured something like this would happen. It IS a family curse after all. I made sure I'd never personally have to deal with it, and yet while its not me, I'm still dealing. When did I become the mom? I've never really been the person people go to in times of trouble. And this trouble...I just don't want to face it. I don't. I want to be a coward, just say "not my problem" and walk the fuck away. But I can't. The love and supportive feelings are taking the cowardice into a dark alley and beating the crap out of it.

Gods give me the strength to lend.

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 16:34:47 GMT

And once again I come to the realization that I am not the woman I wanted to be.

Mon, 21 Aug 2006 16:55:04 GMT

It still makes me sick that her name appears on his website, and mine doesn't.

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 13:15:25 GMT

I didn't sleep very well last night.

Jason and I went to Harpers last night, and after a pint of 1/2 off beer, we started talking. We were open, and honest. And it felt good. I wasn't sad or upset, and neither was he. I'm glad we got out what we did, especially with a summer full of pagan festivals ahead. We didn't really fix anything, but we came to an understanding. We were both very happy with eachother when we were done.

And yet I didn't sleep well.

I think it has a lot more to do with my ego than anything else. I hate knowing that it took him years to open up and love me, and now he claims to be polyamorous. Its like I openned the pandora's box of Jason love. He can meet a girl and fall in love after only spending a day with her. And he thinks it will happen again. So I came out and told him that while I can be ok with an open relationship I will NEVER EVER be ok with a poly marriage. I have never claimed I'd be any other way. I'll share his body, but I just can't share his heart, not like that. So I told him I'd leave him. I came right out and said it. I said if he ever got to the point with another woman where he thinks he's in love...he had better choose which relationship is more important, because I am not reliving the events of last year. I barely survived that time.

So its out there. And I couldn't sleep. I even cried.

The thought of leaving my boy makes me ill. He's so important to me, and I don't think he'll ever understand. It feels like my heart would stop pumping without him. I feel like an obsessed fan or something. I'm retarded for him. He takes advantage of that all the time. But now he knows I won't do it anymore. Will it change anything? Or will he forget, and once again risk the life we've built for the thrill of the chase?

And when I did sleep, I dreamed of rollercoasters.

Tue, 18 Apr 2006 13:31:19 GMT

Now that I know, what do I do?

A PMS rant

Mon, 10 Apr 2006 19:25:03 GMT

Once every three months is SO not enough. How can I take control?

OH, and he told me last week (drunkenly, and after we went to bed) that he wasn't sleeping with me for 3 months in order to punish me for what I did in Feb, but apparently I've been "getting beautiful again" so he might stop. I had to leave the room I was so angry. I felt such hot seething rage that I locked myself in the bathroom and wept. I don't know how to deal with rage. I just couldn't believe all the things wrong with what he said. I've been struggling with so many issues, several stemming from his lack of interest in me, and I find he's doing it on purpose!! Not to metion the fact that I apologized a million times. I've pretty much BEGGED for his forgiveness, and apparently it wasn't good enough. As if I haven't suffered. Hell, after all the events of last year, did I punish him? Did I deprive him of anything? NO! Though I'm sure that to him, dealing with my emotions was punishment. But then to accept punishment, he would have to admit he did something wrong.

Oh, and its been nearly two months now, and still no letter. Sure everything else has been going well for us recently, but I can't help but worry that I've fallen into the same trap I did before. All these problems pushed just out of sight, until the next girlie comes along. Then I'll be the one to have "ignored the problems" yet again.

Wed, 05 Apr 2006 13:37:08 GMT

Sometimes I wish I had married a man that wanted to take care of me, instead of the other way around.

Just when I thought I was beautiful

Tue, 21 Mar 2006 18:58:12 GMT

I found becky's site while messing around on myspace....damn she's hot. I can see why Jason stopped desiring me when he met her.

Mon, 20 Mar 2006 16:24:23 GMT

I left a comment in Jason's journal, responding to his full moon rant. He deleted it, because he said it was our business, and he didn't want our friends commenting on it. But I have to wonder if there was a different reason. I wonder if there is someone out there that he doesn't want knowing that I still want to work on our marriage. Could he be villifying me in order to get pity, or to justify his own actions?

I hate being so suspicious of him, but I've had to go to great lengths and do terrible things just to get the truth. Even now he lies to me, about little things that wouldn't have bothered me if he'd just fessed up. Crap that I already know the truth about (bought a book my ass!). If he'll lie about something as dumb as where he got a coffee cup, what about the bigger things?

I've tried to trust him, but the times I did, he later told me I shouldn't have, because he was lying. I've got to wonder if he's making this hard on purpose. I want to believe that he wants us to work things out, but he keeps putting off the big talk, and keeping things from me. Maybe a friend of mine is right, he's just leading me on, promising hope so I'll stay with him long enough for him to get that knee surgery...milk me for all I'm worth and then take off into the arms of who ever.

Things have actually been really nice between us recently. He keeps telling me I'm amazing, and he doesn't deserve me and all that. He's been more affectionate, too (though still not intimate). Should I believe that we're getting better this time? I thought things were getting better before, but I was wrong then too.

Moved to safer waters

Mon, 06 Mar 2006 18:24:05 GMT

I don't believe in myself anymore. My self confidence has hit rock bottom, and this is effecting every aspect of me. I find myself unable to accept compliments, because I don't think they're true. I'm plagued with doubts about so many things, and I live in a constant state of anxiety. Of course this is helped along by the fact that I don't know what is going on. I'm still waiting to find out the truths I've been 'ignoring'. The big discussion I was promised has not been delivered, and I think this is because I'm not worth the effort. I'm not treated as an equal because I am not actually equal. I'm less than I was, less than her, less than him. I know what you're all going to say, but I mean it when I say save your breath. I won't believe you.

I want to change this, I really do, but I feel so empty. Love lost, sexuality lost, divinity lost, hope lost. I've been broken down before, and have always been able to rebuild. This time, I'm not sure I can. I have no morter.

Go away

Mon, 09 Jan 2006 14:57:57 GMT

If I know you, and you're not on my friends list, don't be offended. What I write here is very private, and I really don't want too many people knowing just how pathetic I am.

To those who are not my friends in real life or otherwise, you have no business here. You've done your damage, now go away.